I had a long term relationship of over 20 years, had 3 children and fostered a 4th and helped raise a grandchild for a while. Therefore it is not like I am approaching this without some sort of experience. I am also a Mental Health Professional.
Qualifying is not the issue here. What is the issue is how I am seeing women behave towards their men in relationships. It doesn't seem to matter if they are married, common law (financial circumstances preventing marriage) or just living in sin (Biblical fornication) Women have become in an attempt to be treated like princesses; monsters. I wondered if it is the lack of example, that is being given to daughters by their mothers. Divorce is common place and no one cares to stay together because of the children in our me society. Therefore a woman may have seen her mother in many relationships none of them long term, and often not marriage. Added is the necessity of women to work, whether they have the luxury of another income or not. Or perhaps it is the media again and its twisted idea of what love is. Perhaps, it is how Hollywood portrays a woman's role in marriage: as Superwoman. She being capable of running a household of 6 to 8, holding down a full time job, and still having time to do the laundry, make the beds in her designer perfect home, and make dinner by 6.
Reality is a different thing. Truth be told the Superwoman is a myth. Something has gotta give, usually it is a decent upbringing for the offspring and the marriage.
Once upon a time… I went for a walk on the beach near my home. I live in a small coastal town which is often overrun by tourists. So beach activity is commonplace.
It was a dreary day threatening to rain at any moment so I took a rain slicker and drove to the entrance of the beach. I saw a car sitting a little farther up than where I parked. When I walked by I saw a couple in the car. The man was in the drivers seat, the windows were fogged and a woman on the passenger side appeared to be speaking. The man looked over at me as I passed, I smiled. He appeared to me to cowering like he was being admonished by his mother for some wrongdoing. I continued on my walk.
It was a nice cool day, the sand was firm so I was able to cover a lot of ground. I found myself way around the point before I knew it. Usually, I only walk as far as I want to walk back, for example, an hour out means an hour back, that kind of thing. I am an avid hiker in the dry season and my legs are fit. Once I get limbered up and the sea air fills my lungs I can cover a lot of ground.
I do not like to be on the beach when it gets dark as it is really disorienting, the pitch black without a moon.
I once went clam digging with my mom and made the mistake most novices do when digging at night. I did not leave my car dome light on so I could orient myself after I had followed the beach at low tide out into oblivion. I, like a baby turtle began to walk to the lights. The big hotels along the boardwalk glowed through the rain and fog like spaceships hovering at the edge of the horizon. Miles from where we had come onto the beach, it was pouring rain and pitch black. I had giant rubber boots on that hindered every step. As it came apparent we were far from our vehicle, my mother began to panic and was close to tears. I got desperate with the various scenarios I was imagining.
I considered ditching my boots and my clam booty. Finally, I spoke to another clammer who was digging, I asked for a ride back to our car. The man actually laughed and said,"when I am done here." That apparently meant, I thought, when he was done clamming." I saw many more lanterns glowing down the beach, the hell with that, I thought but I said,"thanks don't bother." Then walked away.
The next clammer almost fell over his quota as he and his wife hurried to take us to his truck and deliver us safely to our car. Much appreciative, I gave them my clams.
However, this day I was walking in the sunshine which was about to set, so I turned back. As I was walking, I saw ahead a person off in the distance on a trajectory towards me. As I do, I
walked a little higher on the sand so as not to have an encounter. I am not antisocial I just do not want not be bothered sometimes.
We came closer to each other, I saw it was a man. Perhaps even the one I had passed entering the beach, being admonished by his mother. As we were about to pass he spoke to me. He said, "is that your car back there?" "Yes, why? as a lump formed in my throat in anticipation of unexpected news, my mind raced to scenes of the car rolling down into the water, and then I was calm as I knew I had parked way off the beach on the side.
He continued,"I saw you pass by, we are in the little car over there," he raised his arm to point.
I formed no opinions so early in the conversation. He turned to me and fell into step as I began walking again towards the setting sun and my car. He was pleasant enough, well dressed and kind of cute with a crooked smile and dark eyebrows that did not meet in the middle! (I do not like that, it looks messy to me ) About 45, he was clean shaven and had on a nice pair of almost new looking Levis and a soft striped shirt and rain slicker. He was sporting a hat that said, " Crown Cruises." No matter really as I did not know who they were anyway, probably some vacation cruise line that has yet to poison, lose or kill their passengers.
He rallied on about the weather and his various interests to the point I thought,"maybe that really is his mother in the car."
Obviously single, or so it seemed. In that case I decided that if he asked for my phone number I would withhold to stave off any mommas boys. (So unbecoming in a man to be that age and still have his momma giving him orders.)
We arrived at the cars, his first and he opened the door. The woman that was in the little compact was so large that she looked as if she had been poured in. I am no Minnie Mouse, but I get out and about. I also have no room to criticize. I understand how hard it is to maintain ones weight after age 40. Let alone being subject to the American diet of processed foods. It seems we are all packing around a few extra pounds. But that is a different subject altogether.
I bent in and said hello as I was introduced, still no relationship designation. He got in and immediately rolled down the window. She leaned past him and began to speak to me. Out of her mouth came not pearls of wisdom but complaints of ailments and stories of dead relatives and misfortune. I braced myself and smiled devoted to sharing nothing of myself and put on my therapist hat.
I thought of nice things to say to get out of a session that would be indeed unpaid. Then I looked at him. He was so pathetic in the presence of this woman. From here on I will call her"Jabba" as she really did look like "Jabba the Hutt" from Star Wars. Lets just say, Jabba jabbered on and on.
The man I will call Ed as he looked like an Ed, shrank deeper and deeper in his seat the more Jabba Jabbered. He hung his arm out, and hung it on the door, like an anchor to hold him from disappearing from sight altogether in the black hole of his well defined car seat.
I remember saying,"so Ed here is your husband?" Yes, that was a nod I think, as the roll that replaced her chin started an avalanche of flesh response. It appeared that he was a caretaker of someone he obviously did not love and everything about his body language screamed, "I am trapped in hell."
Ed is not unusual in my experience. I cannot say really how many men I have met who married someone they thought would love and adore them all their lives, only to wake one morning to the rag bag from hell. I remember one man saying to me,"I had never imagined she would be so ugly without her makeup!." Wow! I thought she must have been one of those who caked it on." One has to wonder in those situations, not about the woman, but the man, and his being so oblivious.
In relationships, most people think that how they feel now at the moment of consummation is how they will always feel. I call that the bait. A man and a woman puts their best foot forward at first. This is why in years long past couples had such long engagements. It was a chance for them to get to know one another, to see each other in different situations; how they manage their money, how they react to pressure situations, how realistic and stable is their loved ones personality? All common practices which in these modern times are forgone for living together, or marriage in the first few months of meeting. Everyone expresses distain for these ideas which are claimed to be old school and outdated. However, they had good reasons behind them.
Back to Ed, I am sure after the passage of 25 minutes of knowing Ed and then Jabba they were in a loveless, one sided marriage. He was the victim, browbeaten to the point of fear. Her ailments kept him from leaving as he felt he would be heavily burdened with guilt. A solid trap from any aspect. As I said goodbye and that it had been nice to meet them, he sat up and put his hands on the wheel as if resolved about his situation. The thought occurred to me that maybe he would man up and be responsible for his own decisions. I hope…….
